Miscarriage & Baby Loss
This post is much longer than any other I’ve written so far, so please excuse the length of it. This is a topic that is very close to my heart. I’ve been working on this for over a year. It was one of the first topics I wanted to write about since starting BBLH. I’ve written it and re-written it more times than I can count, but it never seemed quite right. I’m not sure I’ll ever find exactly the right words, but here they are anyway. There are tons of resources and helpful links at the bottom of the post. Please check them out and pass them along to someone you love.
Putting it simply, NO ONE wants to talk about miscarriage and baby loss. When I lost my own baby girl at 19 1/2 weeks pregnant, to rare congenital heart disease, there were very few people I could talk to about it. My husband and I were lucky enough to have support from our family and friends. But we were devastated beyond words and had few people who could truly understand. The turning point in our journey began when we found some real resources, including a support group for couples who had experienced the loss of a baby. We were all heartbroken, confused and overflowing with raw emotion. We’d all lost our babies, but we shared our stories and listened to each other. These people created a safe place for me to share my sadness. They helped me pick the broken pieces of my heart back up so that I could start to heal. I don’t know where I’d be without this group of strong and courageous parents, and I will be grateful forever to have had them in my life.
This chapter of my life taught me many things. One of them is that miscarriage and pregnancy loss is extremely common, another is that most people don’t talk about it. So I’m here now to talk about it, and to highlight some of the many resources that are out there. Please know that if you or a loved one is going through this, you’re not alone. There are many great books available, including those for kids. The titles below can help you gently explain what happened to the baby to siblings, either those born before or after. Many of them are also helpful for keeping the memory and love for him/her present in our lives.
Getting my hands on copies of many of these books was extraordinarily difficult. My county library system had 1 BOOK for children on baby loss. That’s 1 book…out of all the books… in 38 libraries in the county. I was able to get copies of some of them through Inter-Library Loan services over the course of several months. Some copies came to me, in New York, from libraries as far away as Indiana and Iowa. And with the help of some amazing people, I was able to get several more titles.
I want to thank my dear friend (and author!) Samantha Banerjee, for her help with this post. Samantha has dedicated countless hours to the Star Legacy Foundation, in honor of her daughter, Alana Marie, who was stillborn at 39 weeks. She has been brave enough to share her story, and her strength, with many baby loss families all over the country. You can read Alana’s story here and find out more about Sam’s work with the Star Legacy Foundation here. You can also read more about her book series, The Stitch Trilogy, here. An extra special thank you to Samantha, for sharing the above photo, of her daughter, Mia, visiting Alana. This post would not have been possible without you!
Another very big thank you to Mr. Chuck DeKlyen, the Director of Grief Watch, who generously donated copies of some of the great titles you see below. Grief Watch is a publisher and manufacturer of bereavement books and materials used by families and professionals around the country. They’re dedicated to offering spiritual, emotional and other support to persons who are grieving. Grief Watch also partners with organizations that support people who are grieving in marginalized and underserved communities.
*** Update*** A new and special thank you to illustrator, Ashley Evans, for sharing her book, Welcome To The Party, with me. I’m so grateful to be able to read your book with my own family and the BBLH community!
I hope the books I recommend are helpful and that they bring you comfort. Please note that the links below are affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
***Please note that some of the titles below have illustrations about and mention God, heaven, angels, etc. Consider re-wording or skipping these pages if they don’t resonate with you.
Books About Losing a Baby or Pregnancy
Perfectly Imperfect Family - If you’re looking for a book to help you discuss the loss of a baby to a sibling, this book is just right. The illustrations are beautiful and the text is straight forward. I absolutely love the way this family shows readers how to include their sister in their daily lives in simple yet meaningful ways. The book includes a few pages at the end which you can use to write about your own family.
We Were Gonna Have a Baby But We Had An Angel Instead - by Pat Schwiebert is a short and straightforward book. It moves through the joy and excitement of preparing for a new baby, to the sadness that the family is left with. The last few pages of the book include helpful information for parents. This book can be helpful for all children but can be a good book to start with for 2 or 3-year-olds.
Someone Came Before You - also by Pat Schwiebert, is a similar book. This one is more specific to explaining the loss of a baby to a sibling born later. It’s a bit longer and goes into more detail about life before, during, and after the baby, who has passed away. I love the way this book includes siblings, saying that they arrived when the parents had worked hard and were ready to let more love in. Helpful information is also available at the end of this book.
Something Happened - Another book that takes us through the before, during and after of losing a baby. The young boy in the story discusses being very excited to welcome a new brother or sister. He talks about the night the baby passed away and how sad his family was. I love this book because it offers guidance for adults on each page. This helps parents answer questions and anticipate the thoughts and feelings that children have. For example, reassuring children that this loss is not their fault.
Always My Twin is helpful for siblings who have experienced the loss of a twin, either before, during, or after birth. The story is told from the perspective of a young girl, who lost her twin sister shortly after birth.
These Precious Little People - is a fantastic book with gorgeous illustrations!! In short, beautiful rhymes, it explains how babies begin to grow, and that sometimes things go wrong. I love the way this book reminds us how loved and important all babies are, no matter how big or small. This book is available on amazon UK or you can order a copy here. This is one of my favorite books on this topic.
Love You Forever - is a well-known classic, describing the love that a mother feels toward her newborn baby. But did you know that author, Robert Munsch, wrote this book after he and his wife lost two children to stillbirth? This book was written in their honor. It is a sweet affirmation of the love that parents have for their children, no matter how old they get, and no matter where they are. The reprise of “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be,” holds extra special meaning for all parents who have lost a child.
Where Are You Lydie? Author, Emma Poore, was kind enough to send her book to me and I’m so honored to share it with you. Brothers, Henry and Georgie, have recently lost their sister, Lydie. They imagine where she might be, and talk about her with their parents and grandparents. They find sweet and meaningful ways of keeping Lydie in their lives and celebrate her birthday each year. I love the message of this book and the beautiful illustrations. This book is particularly helpful for families with older siblings. This book also features the story of Emma Poore’s real family. You can read more about Emma and her work here.
Stacy Had a Little Sister - According to the CDC, around 3,500 children a year are lost to SIDS in the U.S. That’s a staggering number! Stacy Had a Little Sister is helpful for families navigating this heartbreaking loss. The book takes us through the anticipation of baby sister’s arrival, to the excitement of her birth, through the days following her passing. I love the way this book explores all of the big questions and conflicting feelings that children have in the face of loss. This book is geared towards children ages 5+, but you can certainly read it in smaller sections with younger children, or to break up the conversation with kids of any age.
Make a personalized book about your baby - LossBooks.com allows you to create a personalized about your own baby. You can insert your baby’s name and personalize the hair color and skin tone. I love the way these books allow you to tell your story, the story of your baby, and how much he/she is loved. There are many options to choose from, including books for the loss of a baby, twins, multiple babies, a child, adult, or grandparent. You can also choose a non-personalized book or one without a specific gender.
Dear Star Baby - This beautiful book is perfect for young readers. With stunning illustrations and sensitive, minimal text, this story takes us from the joy and excitement of preparing for a new baby, to the grief and deep sadness that washes over them following their loss. Written as a letter to his unborn baby sibling, he shares the ways in which he and his parents process their grief. My favorite passage from this book reads: “Daddy says, “Our Star Baby is so far away.” And Mama says, “I feel like our Star Baby is right here.”
Books About Rainbow Babies & IVF
Welcome To The Party - an absolutely sweet and stunning book! Written by mother, actress and activist, Gabrielle Union, this book captures the joy and love of welcoming a new baby into the family. This very special book will resonate with parents who’ve been affected by baby loss, miscarriage, and fertility challenges. I love the way she writes: “say hi to your guests, they’re happy to meet you, they’ve waited so long and can’t wait to greet you.” Union welcomed her own rainbow baby after years of IVF and miscarriages. I love the way she chose to honor part of her journey in this joyful book. The gorgeous illustrations by artist, Ashley Evans, will draw you in and bring a tear to your eye. Thank you so much to Ashley Evans for sharing this book with us!
A Rainbow Baby Story - The bird family lives happily in their nest until a storm hits one day. When a rainbow appears after the storm, it prompts Mama and Daddy Bird to explain that their baby bird is their rainbow baby, born after losing the baby bird in their very first egg.
Happy Tears and Rainbow Babies - Follow Rosie and Capi as they walk with their parents. Mommy and Daddy talk about their journey to become parents, sharing the story of their miscarriage. They explain how love and faith allowed them to move forward and why Rosie and Capi are their rainbow babies after the storm.
Little Dream - A truly beautiful and poignant book for all families navigating fertility challenges, miscarriage, or baby loss. Follow mama and daddy badger as they patiently wait to bring their baby into the world. Year after year, through ups and downs, their love and faith help them stay strong and keep hope alive. This story is magical and so inspiring. I love the way Rankine, and Põder honor the spirits of angel babies as well as the journeys of their parents.
I’m Very Ferris & I’m Very Ferris Takes a Bubble Bath - Meet Ferris, an adorable little boy conceived via IVF. In this series, Ferris tells the story of his very special beginnings, explaining it in ways that our young readers can understand. I love the way these books help explain and celebrate the parenting journey. If you or someone you love has experienced fertility challenges, you’ll find yourself reflected in the sweet and playful pages of these books.
To the Moon and Back for You - In this beautiful book author, Emilia Bechrakis Serhant, shares the story of her journey to motherhood. She describes the feelings she experienced through the ups and downs of fertility challenges and IVF. I love the way this book describes the difficulties that many parents face and celebrates the entrance of miracle babies into the world.
Rainbow: A Children’s Picture Book About Loss and Rainbow Babies - coming soon!
Books About Loss & Grief in General
The Goodbye Book is a great book for children as young as 2 and beyond. It’s a simple, subtle illustration that all goodbyes are difficult.
Something Very Sad Happened - This book is designed for young children, ages 2-3. It explains what death is in simple and relatable ways. It also helps readers to process the loss of their sibling. I love that this book includes guidance and strategies for parents.
The Invisible String is a very sweet book. I like the message in this book, that love is the invisible string that connects us all in life and beyond.
The Heaven of Animals is a beautiful book with gorgeous illustrations. It describes a magical place, filled with animals and angels. Although this book is not specifically about baby loss, it allows children to begin processing the concept of heaven and helps them imagine a peaceful and beautiful place for their angel brother or sister. Using a book featuring animals, as opposed to people, who have passed, can make the concept slightly less jarring for our little ones.
Maybe Tomorrow - Elba has a big block, she drags it with her everywhere she goes. Her friend, Norris helps her find a happy way forward with kindness and LOTS of patience. This book is a sweet and gentle story for anyone dealing with loss.
The Memory Box - a very sweet book for kids 3 and older. In warm and simple words, this story takes us through the many different feelings as we process the loss of a loved one. This book will help readers learn to keep the memory of their loved one alive in their hearts.
The Memory Tree - When Fox passes away his forest friends come together to remember him. They share their feelings and fond memories of him. This sweet and gentle book has a hopeful ending. For ages 3+.
Rain Before Rainbows - a stunning book about the challenges we face and eventually overcome. This hopeful story is perfect for readers, young and old, reminding us that it’s always darkest before the dawn. This book can be helpful for families facing a variety of difficulties.
There are many good books about grief for children. Please take a look at my post about grief for more titles about loss.
Tips & Resources
Losing a child, at any stage of pregnancy, is a devastating loss. HARD STOP!
Your baby, no matter how big or small, is significant.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Any feelings you, your partner or other children are having are valid. They should be acknowledged. It’s likely you’re having many different feelings all at once, and that those feelings change moment-to-moment and day-to-day. This is OK!
Explaining what happened to siblings is challenging no matter what. Deciding when and how to talk about the loss and the baby is a very personal family decision. If your child (or children) are old enough to understand that a baby was on the way, you’ll likely need to talk about it sooner rather than later.
Preview the books above before reading them with your child. It will help you be more comfortable with sharing them with your child and can help give you a starting point. Many of the books have tips and guidelines for parents, which can help you during a conversation with your child.
Children are observant of their surroundings. They can generally sense how those around them are feeling. Letting them know what is going on, in a gentle and clear way, can help them begin to understand how adults around them are feeling.
Take time to talk to your kids about what they’re feeling & thinking.
You don’t have to explain everything to them, start by answering just the questions they ask. They will likely be satisfied with the most simple answers.
It’s ok if you don’t have an answer, you can validate their thoughts and questions by saying:
“that’s a good question.”
“I was thinking about that too.”
“Maybe this book can help answer that?”
“I’m not sure, maybe we’ll figure it out together.”
“Would you like to read more books like this?”
Don’t be afraid to show your kids how you’re feeling. Modeling feelings of sadness and anger is important for healthy emotional development.
Use your resources: your child’s teacher, caregiver and pediatrician can give advice. Although it’s painful to talk about, it’s important that your child’s teachers and caregivers know about any major changes or events going on at home. This will help them to better understand your child and any feelings/behaviors that occur while at school. As a preschool teacher, I can assure you that your child’s teacher will want to be as supportive and helpful as possible during this difficult time.
If your child changes the subject/doesn’t seem interested, go with that. They may want to read these books many times, or not at all. They may have many questions one day, and then not bring up the subject for weeks or months. Be prepared for questions to come up later on and answer them to the best of your ability.
Give yourself a break! Managing your own feelings is extraordinarily challenging. Give yourself love and credit for all that you are doing to help yourself and your family.
Check out my posts about anxiety, managing big feelings and mindfulness/yoga/meditation. These books offer practical strategies for children dealing with stress and can help them navigate their feelings.
Ask for help: if you or are your child is struggling, consult your pediatrician, general practitioner or a therapist. Call 9-1-1 in a life-threatening emergency.
Organizations with many helpful resources:
The Star Legacy Foundation is a non-profit organization dedicated to reducing pregnancy loss and neonatal death and improving care for families who experience such tragedies. There are tons of resources here, including a comprehensive resource guide for families experiencing a miscarriage or stillbirth, suggested book list, advocacy and fundraising opportunities, links to support groups, fact sheets etc. They also offer peer support, which connects people experiencing a loss with those who have gone through it.
Grief Watch is a publisher and manufacturer of bereavement books and materials used by families and professionals around the country. They’re dedicated to offering spiritual, emotional and other support to persons who are grieving. In addition, they
Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort, hope, and support to every family experiencing the death of a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others better assist the grieving family.
The Maggie Rose Perinatal Bereavement Support Group is a tremendous resource those in the NY Metro area. This group got me and my husband through our loss, and I will be forever grateful to all of them. Meetings are held twice a month at Northern Westchester Hospital. There’s also a Facebook group which offers online support. Click the links above for more information and schedule.
Did these books help? Need more titles? Did you find books that were better? Send me an e-mail at bigbooksforlittlehands@gmail.com
I would love to hear from you!
In loving memory of Rose Hummingbird Oberman
November 29, 2013
And
All babies born with wings.
